Go away

Lately
She has come to visit
She, the unwanted, unloved part of me

I am tired of her presence
And want her to go away!

I call her to me and say:
‘I love you’
(And hope that she will finally go away!)

Instead, she looks at me with those sad sad eyes
And says: ‘If you love me, why can’t I stay?’

I know that she is right
I do not love her
I just want to be rid of her
And all that she reminds me of….

‘But I can’t you see’
She says with those teary eyes
‘I can’t leave, because you are me’.

And now her tears slide down my cheeks
For the pain she carries inside
Was mine, IS mine

I put it there
Way back when
Because I did not know how to handle it then

And as we hold hands
I know she gave me a chance
To move forward

By carrying the weight, that I couldn’t then
She took it all in
Kept it safe inside

Now she wants me to see
And take back what’s mine

As I sit there and allow it all in
The emotion floods me
Over me, through me

I feel like I can’t breathe
I fear there will be nothing left of me

But the wave passes

I open my eyes
I am still here
Safe and sound
And so is she

She is calm now
And rests her sleepy head
Against me

Now I feel
How much I do love her
That strong, brave, little part of me
That carried all this weight
So I could be free

I feel love and gratitude
And that too
Washes over me, through me
I cuddle her, thank her
I praise her, and tell her how much I love her

I open my eyes
And I am still here
Safe and sound

I finally realize
She is me and I am her
And she rests

Safe
Within me

Karina Jap a Joe
23 augustus 2023